It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

July 27, 2009

Sadly, I have set up this entry with an eloquent title that it most definitely will not live up to! But a valiant attempt shall be made.

I’m in NYC right now doing lessons, networking and auditioning. There hasn’t been too much out of the order to blog about either that or I have become so accustomed to this place that the roaches that came crawling out my teacher’s utinsel drawer were not deemed worthy of a story.

So why the title? Well, right now, I’m feeling pretty up and up on singing. The voice is singing really well and I have a couple of random connections that lead me to working on some music with a great composer and auditioning for an agent. I actually feel excited. I sense something electric, like something is shifting in the cosmos of my life. I can’t wait to see what it is.

But similarly, it is the worst of times. Next Sun, Aug 2 marks the 2 year anniversary of my brother’s death. I’ve been OK thinking about it until I thought about it today. I’ve been trying to keep my whits about me, but emotionally it’s very touch. Little things like seeing a certain book or someone saying one of his favorite quotes set me off. Definitely a level of sadness right now.

But the good in all this is that knowing how I operate, my curtain of protection around me is pulled down because it’s just too hard to hold up when I mourn my brother, and God takes the opportunity to get into those areas I normally keep closed off and work on them, heal them, bring restoration and I am therefore much for receptive of what He’s leading me towards – and I get excited all over again. And for those times when I have that curtain down, I actually enjoy life more. Yes, there is the risk of the pain of the past or the pain of the present to get you at any moment, but you miss out on the beauty and amazing things that are out there for you to behold, to be blessed by, to be healed from. Security always limits freedom. Freedom is risky but you miss out on so much less.

I’ve made progress. I used to have an iron wall. Now it’s just a curtain. Maybe it’ll be gone now. Though I doubt it. It’s all about a journey. Just when you’ve figured you’ve gotten that end goal, you realize it was just a turning point in the journey.

Random post, I know.

So yes, it is the best of times it is the worst of times


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