2 years

August 3, 2009

Today is 2 years since I lost my brother. I debated whether or not to blog about today. I’m not one to fish for pity, so please understand that I do not write this to make people feel sorry for me. I write it because in this age of the internet, who knows who might come across this blog and who knows how it might possibly help them.

Tim and I went to Austin to spend the weekend with my parents. It was kind of odd. I didn’t quite know what to feel. They same that time heals, and to a certain extent, that is true. The pain isn’t so fresh. It’s more a deep sense of loss and sadness that my dearest friend is no longer here. I honestly did not feel sad most of the day, and I wondered, “Is everything OK with me? Shouldn’t I be a mess?” but I just wasn’t. I figured that was just fine and let myself be – I did not resort to beating myself up about it and feeling guilty. That in itself is a big step for me.

We did end up visiting his grave. It was the first time I’d been there since the funeral. I sat down on the bench at the foot of his grave and just stared at his name. It just didn’t seem real. I just stared at this plaque that stated his name, rank, birth date and date of death. It was like I was staring into some parallel universe. I mean, he’s not there. It’s just a body in a grave. His soul is gone. It just seemed very weird – and it also made me sad. Tim sat next to me quietly. My eyes began to tear up, and he held my hand.

I have yet to cry a river today. I don’t feel I have the need today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. But not today. And that’s OK. The grieving process is unpredictable and untamed. I’ve learned I just have to go with the flow and not try to control it.

I miss him dreadfully. That sadness will never be completely healed in this life, but oh how I await the glory of what is to come in the next. For the first time since losing him, that thought genuinely brings me solace.


One Response to “2 years”

  1. Grace Says:

    Hey Sarah! I remember when I first heard that your brother was gone. Even though I never met him, I felt such a huge loss for you. Losing my dad taught me that you will always feel a hole or void in your life from the place that person filled, but you will move on. People have a hard time understanding that you can move on without forgetting, but you can. My heart goes out to you!

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