2 years

August 3, 2009

Today is 2 years since I lost my brother. I debated whether or not to blog about today. I’m not one to fish for pity, so please understand that I do not write this to make people feel sorry for me. I write it because in this age of the internet, who knows who might come across this blog and who knows how it might possibly help them.

Tim and I went to Austin to spend the weekend with my parents. It was kind of odd. I didn’t quite know what to feel. They same that time heals, and to a certain extent, that is true. The pain isn’t so fresh. It’s more a deep sense of loss and sadness that my dearest friend is no longer here. I honestly did not feel sad most of the day, and I wondered, “Is everything OK with me? Shouldn’t I be a mess?” but I just wasn’t. I figured that was just fine and let myself be – I did not resort to beating myself up about it and feeling guilty. That in itself is a big step for me.

We did end up visiting his grave. It was the first time I’d been there since the funeral. I sat down on the bench at the foot of his grave and just stared at his name. It just didn’t seem real. I just stared at this plaque that stated his name, rank, birth date and date of death. It was like I was staring into some parallel universe. I mean, he’s not there. It’s just a body in a grave. His soul is gone. It just seemed very weird – and it also made me sad. Tim sat next to me quietly. My eyes began to tear up, and he held my hand.

I have yet to cry a river today. I don’t feel I have the need today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. But not today. And that’s OK. The grieving process is unpredictable and untamed. I’ve learned I just have to go with the flow and not try to control it.

I miss him dreadfully. That sadness will never be completely healed in this life, but oh how I await the glory of what is to come in the next. For the first time since losing him, that thought genuinely brings me solace.

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One Response to “2 years”

  1. Grace Says:

    Hey Sarah! I remember when I first heard that your brother was gone. Even though I never met him, I felt such a huge loss for you. Losing my dad taught me that you will always feel a hole or void in your life from the place that person filled, but you will move on. People have a hard time understanding that you can move on without forgetting, but you can. My heart goes out to you!

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