The Price of the Aisle

March 11, 2010

Being a woman on a flight is hard enough. Being a female opera singer on a flight is even worse. Not only do I have a bladder half the size of a man’s, but I drink 10x more than anyone else on the plane to keep myself hydrated and protect my little money-makers (well, my soon to be money-makers).

So what does that mean? Aisle seats. Every time. No exception. Don’t mess with me on that. I don’t care that you were the last one on the Southwest flight and you are stuck in the middle seat next to me and you happen to be 8 feet tall and weight 250 lbs, I get the aisle seat! You should’ve checked in earlier!

The cost?

I’m a hawk for the online check in for Southwest. I’m counting down the seconds to when I can check in and get that coveted A group boarding pass – my guaranteed aisle seat. You would think I was bidding on my dream car on Ebay by the sweat pouring from my brow and the anxious shaking of my hand over the mouse, clicking “Refresh” every few seconds to see if it’s time yet. The exasperated, “Not even in the top 30! Who got there before me?!” The “yes, dear” roll of the eyes from my husband.

And if that weren’t enough.

The cost of that seat once I get on the plane! Take this last flight to Salt Lake for example. Within the first few minutes of claiming my territory, I was hit by a kid’s foot (he was being carried by his inattentive parents), a kid’s flailing arm as she ran down the aisle at break neck speed, a man’s bag that was so large, I don’t know how it passed as a carry on, a man’s coat as he slung it up in the bin above my head (hit me right in the eye. Nothing like the feeling of wool across the retina), and just when I thought everything would be over? A fat lady got on the plane and raked her big-a#& belly across my face.

But the reward? I could drink as much water as I wanted and get up to use that ridiculously small lavatory as much as I wanted.

Ahhhhh! The feeling of freedom.

Careful with those teeth

March 10, 2010

Overheard on the airport paging system:

“If you have misplaced your retainer, please come to Gate 33”